Sued51's Blog

{December 16, 2011}   Remembrance

The one-year anniversary of my father’s death is fast approaching.  Everyone I’ve met who has ever lost a loved one has warned me this is a difficult time.  I want to do something, but nothing feels good enough.

My father’s gravesite marker is flat to the ground. We are not allowed to plant anything around it, and although his marker is accompanied by a vase, there are only so many fake flowers we can put in it. My mother bought a “remembrance blanket”; she pictured a blanket of greens with white flowers interspersed (looking for something similar to that which she had bought years ago when my grandmother passed away), but was disappointed. What seemed like a lot of money to her, bought her very little.

My brothers put a memorial in the newspaper.  Again, a lot of money.  It is a lovely thought, emotionally, but no one in my family has over $100 to spend on a few lines in the newspaper.  My husband has been investigating more permanent things like a “brick” at the local senior center…definitely on the right track, but we don’t have the money right now…the anniversary of his death comes at a tough time.  The tough lesson of Christmas that we have all had to learn since we were children is to “delay gratification.”  Sometimes we have to plan and wait.

A few weeks ago one of my brothers found a rock on my father’s marker.  We wondered who had left it.  Some research indicated it was someone of the Jewish faith.  Our family is Christian, but to me, it was a touching gesture.  I liked the idea of something more permanent than flowers, and knowing that someone other than family had visited his grave felt very comforting.

At Thanksgiving my nephew told me he had recently gone to the local gym.  It happened to be the same one my father had attended.  When he signed in at the desk, the attendant asked if he was related to my father.  When he answered “yes,” the person proceeded to tell him about my father being such a pleasure and how he cheered her up with his cartoons whenever he would come in to the gym.  It touched him.  This has happened at banks, restaurants, anywhere my father went regularly.

I think the best thing of all is knowing that he made a difference to people outside our family and that he is missed by a lot of people.

just bumped into this post and wanted to say how sorry i was to hear of the loss of your father. while time does help ease the pain, nothing can ever replace the loss of a loved one. so it is good on you to write a tribute on your blog.
after my father passed away, Father’s Day became a non-event that came and went and left without any measure of significance for a long time. it ended up taking me 14 years before i acknowledged this special day, and i wrote a tribute to him in a blog. sometimes writing, remembering stories and details is a great way to make a tribute.
in the meantime, several months have passed since you wrote this post. trust you are taking care. thanks for sharing.


sued51 says:

Thanks for your comment. If you want to see one way I remember him, check out this post:

You and many other people have told me that although it gets better, you never stop missing your loved ones. You have to figure out your own way of honoring their memories…whatever gives you comfort. Within families, this can be different things for different family members. In the end, it is all about individual expressions of love.


I send you my condolences for the loss of your Father. I know it was over a year ago – I’ve just clicked on your category”Death of a loved one” but the loss stays with you and just comes over you at unexpected moments.

You will not ‘be’ your father or even do the things he did like saving lives (What a fabulous thing to have done) but you can honour him in so many ways- in this your blog which emanates love for him, by remembering him and how he touched lives, yours especially. He will always be with you as mine is with me. My blog of 17th December was for my Dad. My whole blog was started because of the death of a much loved friend.

By keeping our people in our hearts, by writing about them and for them, we are honouring their memories.

With love to you over the miles and thanks for calling in to my blog which is how I come to be here 🙂


sued51 says:

Thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment. Thanks also for the condolences. I will have to check out your blog about your dad.


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